Tag Archives: living

iihjee: post

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‘The pie was never larger than what it is today; for every piece one takes away, another has to be given back. Pull a flag down in rage, another springs-up in a momentous flutter. Let go of a scar, gently let go, another tears into being, arising delicately; an eye for an eye, a tattoo for a tattoo. How naive could one be… wishing to retain a blank slate’- iihjee

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There is a guy I follow on instagram. He is a Nepali, who posts thought-provoking reflections and beautiful pictures. I know him but I haven’t really talked to him in real life. When I first saw him in 2013, I knew there was something very different about him. He used to frequent the same café I used to visit. He was noticeable as he always wore slippers, white kurta and a black ‘Bhaad-gaule topi’, a typical Newari cap especially woven in Bhaktapur, Nepal. This café was very popular among the travellers backpacking to Nepal. The seating arrangements were very casual, you could even sit on the stairs or floor if you wanted to. We sat next to each other a couple of times but never talked. I heard his conversations with his friends. From what I gathered, he was so young probably around 17 then, but he was so introspective and had a very altruistic view about life. I liked being a silent listener of those conversations listening to their talks about life, society, politics, art and being young.

Fast forward 2017, he is an activist now who walked across Nepal from the east to west on foot through the Himalayan belt in his slippers. Yes! he walked through Everest base camp in his slippers. About the walk, he wrote: ‘The walk was an individual calling, not an organized effort. There were no fixed plans or routes; no agenda. I kept improvising, leaving myself open to all experiences & possibilities. I could not have done this as one does an errand; the burden would have been too great for a bloke like me who thrives in frivolous spontaneity. Never has dosh or servility lit my soul. Honestly, the stories were primarily a consequence of laziness. Writing an original piece takes great effort, taking notes & translating is a relatively undemanding deed. Adding interpretation would also have brought me into the picture – this I wanted to avoid, I wanted you to experience the journey as a first-person participant (rather than a third-person); the baton of interpretation was passed to you.’

In 2016, he did a similar 37 days walk. Through this walk, he connected with Nepal’s average people, mainly minority groups and families of the minority Madhesi people of the Southern Nepal, who were killed in protests held in the Terai region of Nepal in 2015. The message behind his walk was simple: national unity and peace.

Why I am mentioning him is because we have developed this bond with each other throughout this time on instagram. He wrote comment on a video I made on instagram and we started talking about the organic cafe, and life in general sometimes here and there. He asks for my interpretation or feedback if he makes a video posts and I write to him asking question about life if I am in a dilemma. It’s like Socrates and Plato. Lol! But he is much younger than me yet he is very mature and an inspiring human being. I want to share one of his answers to the question about calm response or retaliation towards anger/hatred directed towards you.

to anon m, with love : The viscous cycle of pain displacement, of paying pain forward, is in my opinion, the root cause of all human suffering. To mend one’s aching heart is difficult, to translate that pain into action is not. We try to save others from what we perceive to be ill; we try to help them find the happiness that could not be ours. Here, I question, how can an action rooted in anguish do any good? Our suffering often leads to actions that lead to more suffering. Be mindful of this, always. Question yourself, at every turn – “Why am I doing this?” I do not ask you to abandon what you are doing, but to merely be aware of what motivates your innermost self.
What makes you angry? Why do you blame yourself? What makes you feel pain? Why do you seek to hurt? Are you angry, or, do you want to be angry? Are you in pain, or, does a part of you want to feel pain? Reflect. Be honest with your self. No one else can help you. String together the answers; understand causes, be aware of their effects. Untangle. String back to when you were in the womb… just that instinct to live on & nothing else, everything laid bare. Stay there for a while….
Be kind, rewind, come back, to this moment. You have all the answers you need, my friend. No one can help you. No one knows you better. Only you can help yourself, only you.

And the funniest thing is every time I am going through something, he makes a post that hits the right nerve. Like the one quoted in the beginning of this post that he posted today.

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I have been in a strange frame of mind since a couple of days. No, not because of the polar nights but because of the situation I am in right now. This feeling of being lost doesn’t ever get lost. I still feel overwhelmed by things and even though I am much calmer now, I have begun to wonder about being with someone mainly in love. What is being in love anyways? I feel like Hozier: ‘I fall in love just a little o’ little bit everyday with someone new’. But seriously, I am scared of commitment, about giving my life for someone else, the expectations and then there is existential crisis. How to deal with the situation when I am going through a situation when I am sad because I am sad not because of you? How do I tell them that the pain, the sadness, the frustrations are my own. It has nothing to do with them. I also realized that in the last relationship I had I gave so much love that I do not have that love to give to anyone. I know it sounds strange because of course, I love other people too but not love is different. I feel like the spiritual side of me that loved is empty, hollow. How can I ever manage to fill it with love? And how will I ever manage to give it to someone?

But I am beginning to feel that this period is very important for my existence. I lost love, but I think I am on my path to find myself!

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What to do when life seems bleak and suffocating?

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  • Put on some music and dance. 
    Today I was really frustrated when I woke up because I woke up at 13:30. I had an alarm at 9:00 but since I went to bed at 4:30, I was delirious when the alarm rang. And in my delirium, I put a new alarm at 11:15 for Thursday. LOL! So, of course since it’s not Thursday today, the alarm didn’t ring and I woke up frustrated and annoyed. But I just decided to make some coffee and make the best use of whatever time I had to get to the bus to university. Oh! and then, I figured out that I had couple of spare mins after I was done getting ready. You know what I did? I put on ‘Coco-jumbo‘ (Yeah 90s coco jumbo! :D) and started to dance. 😛 It was really stupid but it was much better than beating myself up. I felt so much better. Instant mood refresh!
  • Go for a walk
    This is a sure shot way to combat whatever negative feeling you are experiencing. Going for a walk, breathing some fresh air, listening to some soothing, calm music and being close to nature helps a lot. I have created a playlist specifically called ‘Walk in the Woods’ just for this purpose. I know it takes a lot of energy to motivate yourself to get out of the room, get dressed and go out but it is totally worth it. Going near water bodies helps too. I love walking along the coast, touching the water, the pebbles, sea shells, listening to the sound of the water, and just being there.
  • Doodle, doodle, doodle
    I cannot emphasize on how much mindlessly drawing on paper or chalkboard has helped me. I just realized the other week that I start floating in another space when I draw where nothing affects me. It is just me and my drawing. Sometimes I surprise myself by what I draw. Mainly because I am a noob and I haven’t drawn much in life. But I feel like I am getting better. I love it.
  • Play Mikado
    Have you ever tried playing Mikado?  It’s basically a stick game which contains 41 varied colored sticks with different points and the aim is to collect as many sticks as possible from a jumbled stack without moving or affecting another stick. Trust me it is not EASY. It needs so much concentration and dexterity that you are forced to calm down and concentrate. I am absolutely in love with the game. It’s my favourite go to when I need to ‘Calm the fuck down’.
  • Calm the fuck down
    Ok this one is a bit funny. I created a new folder on my computer called ‘Calm the fuck down’ where I basically put all the files that I make when I am stressed. It contains word documents with my rants, pictures that I edit and destroy when I am angry and need to let out my anger, stupid MS-Paint files with senseless drawings, and funny videos. Having something like that handy on your computer that you can just open and vent is helpful.
  • Watch funny animal videos
    My favourite is ‘animalsdoingthings‘ on instagram. Animals are cute but they can be pretty stupid sometimes. That page has so many hilarious videos that just puts me into laughter fit. Laughing is good. 😀
  • Pretend that you are Neo from Matrix
    I first read about this trick on Happify. So, the trick is whenever negative or disturbing thoughts appears in your mind, imagine that you are Neo from Matrix and dodge them like he dodges the bullets. 😛 You won’t believe how effective this technique is. Just give it a try. Bring it on ‘self-loathing’, ‘anger’, ‘jealousy’, I am so ready to dodge you all! The point is to refuse to let these thoughts control your life. Just REFUSE!
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    Well these are my tricks. I guess everyone has their own way of handling their shit in life. Share yours if you have one. I will be more than happy. 😀

Body on the street

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I have gotten back to studying. After three years, I finally got my study mode activated and it feels so good. I spent almost all day at the University sometimes with a fellow study loving friend and sometimes all by myself. The best thing is I am productive, day feels really fulfilled and the night in the almost empty hallway at the university is really special. Last week I just went to the dark hallway and started dancing. It was one of the best moment of my life. I felt free and happy.

A couple of weeks ago, me and my friend decided to go out drawing on the street in the middle of the night. It was a really interesting experience. We were basically trying to go on a rampage drawing whatever creative craziness that came in our minds. A funny thing happened. I was lying on the road when my friend was outlining me with a colored chalk. Suddenly a car stopped near us and a woman came out screaming at my friend: ‘What the hell are you doing?’ I got up laughing and she just looked at us in disbelief saying: ‘That’s not funny, that’s not funny. I thought you were killed or something.’ Me, my friend and her boyfriend in the car were laughing so hard but she was angry and left mumbling swear words. We apologized but she was super pissed at us (it was weekend and she was drunk). But it just made the whole experience really memorable. So, we just went back to coloring the street. Here is a picture:

And here’s a blurry picture of me with Tromsø bridge in the background and the drawings.

Me and doodle

A few days later, rain came and swept away all the colors but I wasn’t sad because I realized nothing lasts forever. It also gives room for something new: A new chapter in my life perhaps.

If only rain would come and wipe my slate clean…

Is it too late to be back?

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The last time I blogged, I promised that I will write more often and come up with some new projects. Life apparently had some other plans for me. So, I broke up with him after two and a half years of roller-coaster ride together. We hit the new highs and the new lows. But somethings happened and I realized that I didn’t want to continue being this way. It was very difficult last few months. Now I feel very different. The strangest thing is I am so apathetic. I am still trying to register what I learnt from this. However, it is quite difficult. I will need to contemplate what I really feel about it. But two years is a long time and we have always been such good friends. It’s gonna be difficult to adjust to things without each other. Even though I have had a lot of practice of being on my own when it comes to a lot of things for the past couple of months. I feel like it is difficult to lose the feeling of love for someone that you have loved for so long. Do you really lose it? Or does it just gets transformed into something bitter or nonchalant? I don’t really know because right now I can’t feel anything. I feel love for this guy I met quite recently but it’s on and off. I am so scared and skeptical with the idea of devoting myself fully to another human being and being vulnerable. I realize that something inside me is broken. Trust, belief, hope, I can’t really point out what it is. But when I look at my road ahead, there is no one walking with me anymore. I am all alone.

This, however, has made me very determined to take care of myself. I have been more focused on what I want from my life now. I am quite sure that the next one year of my life will not be a waste. I cannot afford to lose more time on dilly dallying about emotional shits. I want to work on my stuffs. I got into a new online course at my university. I am applying for a work visa and if it works out, I will need to find a job that I love and kill myself with it. So, you might ask me why I chose this. The easiest thing to do would be to just stay in the relationship and get used to the chaos, out of convenience. But all my life, the quest has been to avoid exactly this chaos, this mediocre mundane existential cycle, this monotonous boredom, this hatred and dislike in eyes of each other. I just don’t want to get used to that.

So, the process of living right now has been to keep my mind off the bad thoughts as much as possible. I’ve become much calmer than ever before and I know where I am heading. This feels really good. I have a good feeling about myself.

Anyways, on another note, it’s my favourite poet Charles Bukowski’s birthday today. So, here’s his poem called ‘the crunch’ narrated by the man himself. Happy Birthday badass wordsmith! 🙂

Happy New Year 2074

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It’s Nepali New Year today. Happy Nepali New Year.  We are in 2074 now. We are way ahead in time, no? 😝 

But this is not the only new year we celebrate.  We have celebration on other new years like Tibetan/Sherpa, Newari, Tamang, Western as well.  I feel so privileged and grateful that I grew up in such a harmonious and open minded society where we learn to be receptive, tolerant and respectful towards other cultures and ways of lives.  

Here are some pictures I took from the walk this afternoon. The weather in Tromsø has been so beautiful the past few days.  


Meanwhile, it’s Easter as well so, Happy Easter.  God Påske as Norwegians say it! 

Getaway 

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We went down south for post Christmas family time since we have not been there since November.  

The best thing about the trip was of course bonding time with the family. Apart from that, it was also really nice to see the sun.

By the way, sun is officially back in Tromsø but the weather has been so shitty that we have not had a chance to see it yet. 

Meanwhile, here are some pictures from the trip.

Project Happiness 365: Day 365

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It’s The Day today. I complete my 365 days project happiness.  I managed. I wasn’t sure in the beginning but with each passing day and post, I felt more determined. I did it. I failed to post somedays or failed to post a happy post a couple of times but still I posted a post that I felt was honest and real. I couldn’t believe that a lazy procrastinating Queen like me can be determined and post every single day! I feel really good. I also feel very privileged to have met amazing human beings like you guys, my readers, my fellow bloggers, who keep visiting my blog and showing me so much love and affection. My gratitude to you all! 

Today in this final post of Project Happiness 365, I want to share with you my reflections. 

  • Let it go. 

It’s not just Elsa singing on the top of her lungs but LITERALLY! Let it go. All the guilt, pain, heartache, regret, sadness and anxiety, it’s not worth it.  Just let it go. You don’t know how to do it.  Well just think about yourself as the most beautiful creation of nature.  Your mind, your being, your spirit, they are all precious, you know so, all these negative aspects of your life it’s just draining your energy and nothing else. The sooner you realise that all the anxiety, self loathing, guilt and, all other negative things that your torturing yourself with, is not worth your time and energy, the better it is. 

  • Love yourself.  

You might think it’s a stale, mainstream, mediocre formula but it is not. It took me so many wrong decisions and five psychedelic trips to understand that actually there is nothing beyond loving yourself.  Well be shocked and offended with my revelation as much as you like,  it doesn’t matter because the secret to happiness is loving yourself. In the end, it’s all You, always been you and always will be you. I don’t mean this in a self-loathing or obnoxious way but more in terms of self love, care and satisfaction. 
So, take care of yourself and love yourself as much as you can.  By doing so, you are doing this world a favour.  Because it’s not egoistic or narcissistic to love yourself. It only becomes problematic when you start thinking that you are above everyone else because you are not. No matter how good looking you are or no matter how much money you have or how powerful you are,  everything is temporary and the only certain thing is Death. And when you die, non of the things you have acquired in this life matters other than experiences and love.

  • Happiness is inside you. 

This is probably the most cliché thing I am gonna include in my list but I don’t care because this is an important lesson.  If you want to be happy, Be. Noone is stopping you. If you think other person has the power to make you unhappy then you are wrong because let me break your bubble,  it’s you who makes yourself unhappy. 

  • Nothing lasts forever…but nothing is lost. 

It is more than just a mash up title of two songs by my favourite band Sphongle. It’s something that has helped me overcome a lot of my insecurities. The most important lesson I learnt in these 365 days is that nothing lasts forever because the world is changing each passing moment.  Things change, events change, people change and you change as well. You just need to understand and accept that change is inevitable.  But let me tell you that nothing is lost. It is always gonna be there in you. Always as long as you want it to. 😊 

So, what’s next? 
Struggling writer asked me this question : ‘What after 365 days?’ Well, I guess being happy and grateful is an evergoing process. My purpose is to remember these lessons I have learnt and keep on living in the here and now. 
I will keep posting my things that I feel like sharing and are important to me. I would really much like to focus on photography and drawing.  So, this will be a platform to share my works. 

I never saw life with a rose colored glasses before. But now I feel much more positive and determined. It actually is all about how you want to see your life. So, finding a reason for happiness and gratitude each day  isn’t that difficult.  Happiness is everywhere, it’s inside you just had to open your eyes and see. As this song says…happiness is easy! 🙂

Project Happiness 365: Day 352

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Today is for love, love, love! 😍 It’s been a wonderful lovey dovey day! 

I got this glasswork bird as a gift from his grandparents when we went down south this time.  I took this picture last night. Doesn’t it look cool with the reflection of the backdrop? 

Project Happiness 365: Day 324

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“Where is the Life we have lost in living?
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?”

– T.S.Eliot “Choruses from ‘The Rock'”

Found a book called Living, Dreaming, Dying by Rob Nairn. I can’t express in words how I feel.  This book is what I needed to read today.