My weird fish came alive on the stone one more time. Needless to say, I was listening to Weird fishes/Arpeggi last night. While drawing on that stone, I realized that when I get old, the band that I am going to talk about to my grandchildren (if I have any! ) will be Radiohead. Thom Yorke is cool. What I admire about him is that he is straight forward and he has been very vocal about his depression. His songs are beautiful expression of his experiences when he is in that state of mind. He advocates the need to talk about depression and mental health openly. I found a pretty cool picture on the internet where he talks about why he doesn’t like when people dismiss Radiohead’s music as depressing.
I am reading a book on Shamanism by Pier Vitebsky. So, the first thing I did when I went to school was to doodle this.
There was a drawing on a paper in that room when I arrived. I know who drew it. I had a talk with my counselor today. I need to find a way to manage my anxiety. It’s been very difficult doing that lately.
Meanwhile, the sun doesn’t come over the horizon in Tromsø anymore but still there is a hint of it in the horizon. My aim every year is to capture this glimpse on pictures.
Here is how it looked today! Beautiful, no?
I feel like this person being stabbed in this meme. I ask myself time and again, ‘Wtf is wrong with me?’
I feel like I am waking up from a long sleep. I don’t want to victimize myself, it was my conscious choice but it is hilarious to realize that I really do have a knack at running into troubles and mess in my life.
Anyways, Tromsø went from autumn to winter overnight. There was so much snow when I woke up the other day. I had never been that crazy about snow but this year it’s like seeing it with a whole different perspective.
I had another relapse last night. I thought I was doing better but all of a sudden things came crashing down. Life seems like a very dark difficult place to live in when I am in a bad place. But it’s getting less frequent. I still hope things will be better.
Meanwhile, this quote by Todd Chavez in my favorite show Bojack Horseman makes so much sense.
“BoJack, stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you! It’s not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid! It’s you! Alright? It’s you. Fuck, man. What else is there to say?”
I don’t blame anyone for what I am going through. I made some choices and I am dealing with the consequences.
The last time I blogged, I promised that I will write more often and come up with some new projects. Life apparently had some other plans for me. So, I broke up with him after two and a half years of roller-coaster ride together. We hit the new highs and the new lows. But somethings happened and I realized that I didn’t want to continue being this way. It was very difficult last few months. Now I feel very different. The strangest thing is I am so apathetic. I am still trying to register what I learnt from this. However, it is quite difficult. I will need to contemplate what I really feel about it. But two years is a long time and we have always been such good friends. It’s gonna be difficult to adjust to things without each other. Even though I have had a lot of practice of being on my own when it comes to a lot of things for the past couple of months. I feel like it is difficult to lose the feeling of love for someone that you have loved for so long. Do you really lose it? Or does it just gets transformed into something bitter or nonchalant? I don’t really know because right now I can’t feel anything. I feel love for this guy I met quite recently but it’s on and off. I am so scared and skeptical with the idea of devoting myself fully to another human being and being vulnerable. I realize that something inside me is broken. Trust, belief, hope, I can’t really point out what it is. But when I look at my road ahead, there is no one walking with me anymore. I am all alone.
This, however, has made me very determined to take care of myself. I have been more focused on what I want from my life now. I am quite sure that the next one year of my life will not be a waste. I cannot afford to lose more time on dilly dallying about emotional shits. I want to work on my stuffs. I got into a new online course at my university. I am applying for a work visa and if it works out, I will need to find a job that I love and kill myself with it. So, you might ask me why I chose this. The easiest thing to do would be to just stay in the relationship and get used to the chaos, out of convenience. But all my life, the quest has been to avoid exactly this chaos, this mediocre mundane existential cycle, this monotonous boredom, this hatred and dislike in eyes of each other. I just don’t want to get used to that.
So, the process of living right now has been to keep my mind off the bad thoughts as much as possible. I’ve become much calmer than ever before and I know where I am heading. This feels really good. I have a good feeling about myself.
Anyways, on another note, it’s my favourite poet Charles Bukowski’s birthday today. So, here’s his poem called ‘the crunch’ narrated by the man himself. Happy Birthday badass wordsmith! 🙂
Last week’s rainy days had taken away most of the snow and people were complaining about global warming. But the snow and the winter vibe came back. It snowed so much the last two days that Tromsø turned into a Winter Wonderland one more time. Oh! You won’t believe how happy the skiers are!
University looked lovely with the white veil this afternoon.
I had a nice time keeping him company while he was smoking, at my favorite ‘breather’ space.
We went to Lyfjord after two months. If you have been reading my blog, then you know how much I love this place. It was a delightful break from the stressful studies and work life.
The house where we stay, stands by the sea and is further away from all the other houses in Lyfjord center. The nearest neighboring house is 5 mins walk away. There is a barn, an outside toilet, a boathouse and a storage room along with a two story main house. It’s an old Norwegian house so, there is no running water in the tap. However, the most fun part of living here is to fetch water from the nearby river.
Thankfully, there is an electric stovetop/oven and firewood oven to make food. Heating system works fine in the ground floor rooms. There is also an old TV with national channel NRK that we love to watch. I personally love listening to the old radio in the kitchen. Since there is no bathrooms in the house, we don’t shower when we are there. That’s the typical Norwegian cabin life: outside toilet and no shower. 😉
Nevertheless, I find living in Lyfjord very calming and rejuvenating. On this trip, I realized how much I actually enjoy baking. We baked ginger cookies and bollers.
And the bonus point, of course was the amazing dance by my favorite green lady. The whole sky was lighted up by powerful green aurora.
It snowed so much last night. We were gonna take the bus and it was a hell of a walk to the bus stop through the snow. We are now back to our student housing but I am already missing Lyfjord and the stress free life there.
I am gonna flood this blog with sun pictures from now on. I am pretty sure you will enjoy because the landscape and color of Tromsø with sunlight is something special.
Here are some pictures from this afternoon.
My dad is so nice. I feel blessed because my relationship with him is improving more and more. He sent me this flowers picture on new year’s day.
Isn’t that amazing?
We came back home today. It has been a very rejuvenating time at the cabin despite the power outage.
It was rainy and windy on our way back. Bus stop looked quite beautiful.
But today’s cherry on top (or actually blueberries on top) is this piece of happiness. My new favourite!