This week has been much better. I have been back to work after 24 days. The guy was in hospital and my job was to visit him there during my shift. Being in hospital during the most difficult time of my life didn’t help me that much. It was too depressing to be there. But I tried to be cheerful and kept his spirit high. He is back to his home now and work life is back to the old routine.
So, on a happier note, the green lady is back. A couple of days ago, I had to stay an hour extra at work to help disinfecting the apartment and I was quite tired and annoyed. But when I went out to get the bus home, I witnessed the most amazing northern lights ever. The sky was lighted up in a purple shade and it seemed like I was being blessed with a light shower. I cried my way home because I got so emotional. Here are some phone pictures:
Another happy news this week is that the university instagram page featured one of my photos on their page.I took this picture, one sunny day when I was sitting outside in the sun eating chocolate buns with my best friend. It was the last day we were gonna hangout together as he left for Canada the same day. I just looked up and saw the usual university building in a different perspective and took the shot.
Also, my instagram post about a local restaurant was featured in the travel instagram page about Tromsø. I really love taking pictures so, I feel really happy about it.
The other event that brought smile was that someone baked marble cake and bought flowers n chocolates for me.
It was a very emotional moment for me because the past couple of months have been very difficult and someone doing a kind gesture like this just to make me happy is something priceless. I have been so scared of the display of love, affection and appreciation lately. I want to see good in people without being skeptical of their actions. But it seems difficult. Everytime someone does something nice for me, I start thinking, ‘What the fuck do you want from me in return?’ At the same time, this bitterness that has grown into me is something noone should deal with. Especially not someone who feels so much love for me. I feel like it’s unfair towards these people who show me love. This kind of mindset is definitely a recipe for disaster. I had never imagined that I would be scared of love.
But this phase of my life is for accepting the past and myself. It is also a phase where I am relearning to trust people, to be open to the idea of love and appreciate the appreciation I am receiving again.
I have been stumbling upon so many poems by Rupi Kaur. Seems like all my literary/artist friends are reading her book ‘Milk and Honey’ and they have been sharing it on instagram. I wish I had read her before. But I collected some of them on the internet and want to share with you. Her poem probably resonates to most of the women out there but right now, it resonates to me in a whole different level. Her poems speak to me, they tug my heart, they make me contemplate, they make me cry but at the end, they teach me to get up and realize how strong I am as a woman, as a human.
How can someone write so beautifully?
I have gotten back to studying. After three years, I finally got my study mode activated and it feels so good. I spent almost all day at the University sometimes with a fellow study loving friend and sometimes all by myself. The best thing is I am productive, day feels really fulfilled and the night in the almost empty hallway at the university is really special. Last week I just went to the dark hallway and started dancing. It was one of the best moment of my life. I felt free and happy.
A couple of weeks ago, me and my friend decided to go out drawing on the street in the middle of the night. It was a really interesting experience. We were basically trying to go on a rampage drawing whatever creative craziness that came in our minds. A funny thing happened. I was lying on the road when my friend was outlining me with a colored chalk. Suddenly a car stopped near us and a woman came out screaming at my friend: ‘What the hell are you doing?’ I got up laughing and she just looked at us in disbelief saying: ‘That’s not funny, that’s not funny. I thought you were killed or something.’ Me, my friend and her boyfriend in the car were laughing so hard but she was angry and left mumbling swear words. We apologized but she was super pissed at us (it was weekend and she was drunk). But it just made the whole experience really memorable. So, we just went back to coloring the street. Here is a picture:
And here’s a blurry picture of me with Tromsø bridge in the background and the drawings.
A few days later, rain came and swept away all the colors but I wasn’t sad because I realized nothing lasts forever. It also gives room for something new: A new chapter in my life perhaps.
If only rain would come and wipe my slate clean…
Two of my latest obsessions are ‘Life, the universe and everything’ by Douglas Adams and ‘Weird Fishes/Arpeggios’ by Radiohead. The former is one of the books from his Hitchhiker’s Guide to Galaxy series and the latter is a song from Radiohead’s ‘In Rainbow’s’ album.
Every sentence in the book is highlightable. Adams is a fabulous writer. So witty, so deep and so out of this world. Like this one I just came across, which prompted me to write this post :
“Just as a slow series of clicks when speeded up will lose the definition of each individual click and gradually take on the quality of a sustained and rising tone, so a series of individual impressions here took on the quality of a sustained emotion – and yet not an emotion. If it was an emotion, it was a totally emotionless one. It was hatred, implacable hatred. It was cold, not like ice cold, but like a wall is cold. It was impersonal, not like a randomly flung fist in a crowd is impersonal, but like a computer-issued parking summons is impersonal. And it was deadly, again, not like a bullet or a knife is deadly, but like a brick wall across an expressway is deadly.
And just as a rising tone will change in character and take on harmonics as it rises, so again, this emotionless emotion seemed to rise to an unbearable if unheard scream and suddenly seemed to be a scream of guilt and failure.
And suddenly it stopped.”
The second obsession the weird fishes/arpeggios is equally beautifully written and composed. The lyrics, Thom Yorke’s haunting voice and the repetitive drum/guitar rhythm pattern makes this song truly intriguing.
“I’d be crazy not to follow.
Follow where you lead
They turn me
Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
If they get the chance
And this is my chance”.
The last time I blogged, I promised that I will write more often and come up with some new projects. Life apparently had some other plans for me. So, I broke up with him after two and a half years of roller-coaster ride together. We hit the new highs and the new lows. But somethings happened and I realized that I didn’t want to continue being this way. It was very difficult last few months. Now I feel very different. The strangest thing is I am so apathetic. I am still trying to register what I learnt from this. However, it is quite difficult. I will need to contemplate what I really feel about it. But two years is a long time and we have always been such good friends. It’s gonna be difficult to adjust to things without each other. Even though I have had a lot of practice of being on my own when it comes to a lot of things for the past couple of months. I feel like it is difficult to lose the feeling of love for someone that you have loved for so long. Do you really lose it? Or does it just gets transformed into something bitter or nonchalant? I don’t really know because right now I can’t feel anything. I feel love for this guy I met quite recently but it’s on and off. I am so scared and skeptical with the idea of devoting myself fully to another human being and being vulnerable. I realize that something inside me is broken. Trust, belief, hope, I can’t really point out what it is. But when I look at my road ahead, there is no one walking with me anymore. I am all alone.
This, however, has made me very determined to take care of myself. I have been more focused on what I want from my life now. I am quite sure that the next one year of my life will not be a waste. I cannot afford to lose more time on dilly dallying about emotional shits. I want to work on my stuffs. I got into a new online course at my university. I am applying for a work visa and if it works out, I will need to find a job that I love and kill myself with it. So, you might ask me why I chose this. The easiest thing to do would be to just stay in the relationship and get used to the chaos, out of convenience. But all my life, the quest has been to avoid exactly this chaos, this mediocre mundane existential cycle, this monotonous boredom, this hatred and dislike in eyes of each other. I just don’t want to get used to that.
So, the process of living right now has been to keep my mind off the bad thoughts as much as possible. I’ve become much calmer than ever before and I know where I am heading. This feels really good. I have a good feeling about myself.
Anyways, on another note, it’s my favourite poet Charles Bukowski’s birthday today. So, here’s his poem called ‘the crunch’ narrated by the man himself. Happy Birthday badass wordsmith! 🙂
I am finally done with my studies. I delivered my thesis on music and indigenous identity and had an oral defense. And I graduated. Yes! Done with MPhil in Indigenous Studies. Yay! 😊 I will be getting back to the blog with something new soon. Stay tuned.
Here are some pictures of sunny beautiful Tromsø I took from the plane some time ago while I was flying down to Oslo.
It’s Nepali New Year today. Happy Nepali New Year. We are in 2074 now. We are way ahead in time, no? 😝
But this is not the only new year we celebrate. We have celebration on other new years like Tibetan/Sherpa, Newari, Tamang, Western as well. I feel so privileged and grateful that I grew up in such a harmonious and open minded society where we learn to be receptive, tolerant and respectful towards other cultures and ways of lives.
Here are some pictures I took from the walk this afternoon. The weather in Tromsø has been so beautiful the past few days.
Meanwhile, it’s Easter as well so, Happy Easter. God Påske as Norwegians say it!
It is so difficult for me to find inspiration, motivation and enthusiasm to write my thesis. I just feel so lame. I question my ability to present my arguments and I find it so futile this attempt to tell this story. I don’t know when I started losing my interest to write my thesis. I have less than one and a half month to finish and deliver the thesis but I find it almost impossible to sit down and work every day. I kinda miss writing Project Happiness 365. It gave me so much happiness and also provided me with feeling of accomplishment.
I was reading a book on writing for scholars and the author makes it pretty clear that writing is a rigorous process that needs time and energy. Without really putting words on paper, one can’t really know where s/he stands with his project.
The struggle is still on though. Meanwhile, there is sun in Tromsø now giving me warmth and hope to get through this test. ☀
A little hiatus for this blog as the deadline to submit my thesis is coming near.
But here are some pictures from my recent walks in the Norwegian wood. Days are getting more light. And soon summer will be here. I can’t wait. 😊
Long time no see! 😉 I have been MIA for a while. But here I am. Today I present to you my favorite green lady from Norway. The magical Northern lights. She paid me a visit last night at the cabin in Lyfjord and gave an awesome dance show. It was a bit cold to stand there, witness her performance and take pictures. But it was worth it. 😍
So, here are some pictures of aurora borealis I managed to take with my cell phone camera. This is one of the primary reasons why you should visit Northern Norway.
With love from Norway!