Category Archives: Thoughts

iihjee: post

Standard

‘The pie was never larger than what it is today; for every piece one takes away, another has to be given back. Pull a flag down in rage, another springs-up in a momentous flutter. Let go of a scar, gently let go, another tears into being, arising delicately; an eye for an eye, a tattoo for a tattoo. How naive could one be… wishing to retain a blank slate’- iihjee

DSC_0206.JPG

There is a guy I follow on instagram. He is a Nepali, who posts thought-provoking reflections and beautiful pictures. I know him but I haven’t really talked to him in real life. When I first saw him in 2013, I knew there was something very different about him. He used to frequent the same café I used to visit. He was noticeable as he always wore slippers, white kurta and a black ‘Bhaad-gaule topi’, a typical Newari cap especially woven in Bhaktapur, Nepal. This café was very popular among the travellers backpacking to Nepal. The seating arrangements were very casual, you could even sit on the stairs or floor if you wanted to. We sat next to each other a couple of times but never talked. I heard his conversations with his friends. From what I gathered, he was so young probably around 17 then, but he was so introspective and had a very altruistic view about life. I liked being a silent listener of those conversations listening to their talks about life, society, politics, art and being young.

Fast forward 2017, he is an activist now who walked across Nepal from the east to west on foot through the Himalayan belt in his slippers. Yes! he walked through Everest base camp in his slippers. About the walk, he wrote: ‘The walk was an individual calling, not an organized effort. There were no fixed plans or routes; no agenda. I kept improvising, leaving myself open to all experiences & possibilities. I could not have done this as one does an errand; the burden would have been too great for a bloke like me who thrives in frivolous spontaneity. Never has dosh or servility lit my soul. Honestly, the stories were primarily a consequence of laziness. Writing an original piece takes great effort, taking notes & translating is a relatively undemanding deed. Adding interpretation would also have brought me into the picture – this I wanted to avoid, I wanted you to experience the journey as a first-person participant (rather than a third-person); the baton of interpretation was passed to you.’

In 2016, he did a similar 37 days walk. Through this walk, he connected with Nepal’s average people, mainly minority groups and families of the minority Madhesi people of the Southern Nepal, who were killed in protests held in the Terai region of Nepal in 2015. The message behind his walk was simple: national unity and peace.

Why I am mentioning him is because we have developed this bond with each other throughout this time on instagram. He wrote comment on a video I made on instagram and we started talking about the organic cafe, and life in general sometimes here and there. He asks for my interpretation or feedback if he makes a video posts and I write to him asking question about life if I am in a dilemma. It’s like Socrates and Plato. Lol! But he is much younger than me yet he is very mature and an inspiring human being. I want to share one of his answers to the question about calm response or retaliation towards anger/hatred directed towards you.

to anon m, with love : The viscous cycle of pain displacement, of paying pain forward, is in my opinion, the root cause of all human suffering. To mend one’s aching heart is difficult, to translate that pain into action is not. We try to save others from what we perceive to be ill; we try to help them find the happiness that could not be ours. Here, I question, how can an action rooted in anguish do any good? Our suffering often leads to actions that lead to more suffering. Be mindful of this, always. Question yourself, at every turn – “Why am I doing this?” I do not ask you to abandon what you are doing, but to merely be aware of what motivates your innermost self.
What makes you angry? Why do you blame yourself? What makes you feel pain? Why do you seek to hurt? Are you angry, or, do you want to be angry? Are you in pain, or, does a part of you want to feel pain? Reflect. Be honest with your self. No one else can help you. String together the answers; understand causes, be aware of their effects. Untangle. String back to when you were in the womb… just that instinct to live on & nothing else, everything laid bare. Stay there for a while….
Be kind, rewind, come back, to this moment. You have all the answers you need, my friend. No one can help you. No one knows you better. Only you can help yourself, only you.

And the funniest thing is every time I am going through something, he makes a post that hits the right nerve. Like the one quoted in the beginning of this post that he posted today.

_20171207_150029.JPG

I have been in a strange frame of mind since a couple of days. No, not because of the polar nights but because of the situation I am in right now. This feeling of being lost doesn’t ever get lost. I still feel overwhelmed by things and even though I am much calmer now, I have begun to wonder about being with someone mainly in love. What is being in love anyways? I feel like Hozier: ‘I fall in love just a little o’ little bit everyday with someone new’. But seriously, I am scared of commitment, about giving my life for someone else, the expectations and then there is existential crisis. How to deal with the situation when I am going through a situation when I am sad because I am sad not because of you? How do I tell them that the pain, the sadness, the frustrations are my own. It has nothing to do with them. I also realized that in the last relationship I had I gave so much love that I do not have that love to give to anyone. I know it sounds strange because of course, I love other people too but not love is different. I feel like the spiritual side of me that loved is empty, hollow. How can I ever manage to fill it with love? And how will I ever manage to give it to someone?

But I am beginning to feel that this period is very important for my existence. I lost love, but I think I am on my path to find myself!

Advertisements

Dance of ecstasy

Standard

I was going through the instagram page of an amazing artist called theshallowtree which inspired me to doodle this piece on a blackboard in a reading room at the university. When I doodle, I don’t really plan on what I am gonna make, I just kinda let my chalk flow.

Music plays a big role in letting this creativity flow. I have music to accompany and inspire me. I had two tracks on repeat when I made this one: ‘Demention by Hallucinogen‘ and ‘Maelbeek by Dictaphone‘.

The interesting thing about drawing on the blackboard at university is that you know that it’s not gonna last forever, someone might rub the whole thing the next day. It’s sad because you have put so much effort and time to make this but it also means that the slate is wiped clean and you can create something new. And there is so much joy in creating something. I am happy with how this one turned out to be.

Waves and shaman

Standard

I am reading a book on Shamanism by Pier Vitebsky. So, the first thing I did when I went to school was to doodle this.

There was a drawing on a paper in that room when I arrived. I know who drew it. I had a talk with my counselor today. I need to find a way to manage my anxiety. It’s been very difficult doing that lately.

Meanwhile, the sun doesn’t come over the horizon in Tromsø anymore but still there is a hint of it in the horizon. My aim every year is to capture this glimpse on pictures.

Here is how it looked today! Beautiful, no?

It’s you

Standard

I had another relapse last night. I thought I was doing better but all of a sudden things came crashing down. Life seems like a very dark difficult place to live in when I am in a bad place. But it’s getting less frequent. I still hope things will be better.

Meanwhile, this quote by Todd Chavez in my favorite show Bojack Horseman makes so much sense.

“BoJack, stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you! It’s not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid! It’s you! Alright? It’s you. Fuck, man. What else is there to say?”

I don’t blame anyone for what I am going through. I made some choices and I am dealing with the consequences.

Shine on…

Standard

Today has been really Pink Floydy. I went to uni and hung out at my favorite café called Bodega. They were playing cool music: Pink Floyd, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix. I was so hooked that I decided to sit there and study. Oh! What a nice time I had. But after I went out from there, all I could listen to was Pink Floyd’s ‘Shine on you crazy diamond’.

I have a really beautiful memory with that song. Two years ago, the new year’s eve 2015, he had broken up with me again but I was stuck at his parents’ place because we were spending our holidays there. On new year’s eve, we were visiting this cool artist friend of his ‘V’ and we met some other people there. They were playing some amazing songs. At one point, his best friend ‘M’ started playing this song and V, M and I started singing the song on top of our lungs. That was a bro moment for me and despite the sadness of being dumped I understood that friendships never changed. That moment helped me go through the difficult phase and be happy.

Today I have broken up with him, but when I heard this song, all the memories came back again. I realized that this is the phase of my life, I will never try to forget. These are the memories that will always give me strength. I still believe some friendships never die no matter what happens.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught in the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision, rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught in the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision, rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Something in the way

Standard

So, I got these little notes with reasons why I am a lovable person from someone.

I have always been a hopeless romantic and did stuffs like this to people I loved. But getting these notes was really surprising and strange for mainly two reasons :

No. 1: I didn’t know someone was observing me that way.

No.2: I didn’t know those things made me lovable. Lately I have been feeling not so nice about being loved or being myself.

So, these notes did make me happy.

Life is really strange.

Meanwhile I can’t speak Spanish but I am trying to learn to sing ‘falta De Respeto’ by Carla Morisson. It’s such a soothing song. ❤ My playlist, however, is jumping from Carla Morisson to Sólstafir to Massive Attack to Shpongle to SikTh. Lol! Music keeps me going.

Here’s Carla’s beautiful song for your listening pleasure!

Is it too late to be back?

Standard

The last time I blogged, I promised that I will write more often and come up with some new projects. Life apparently had some other plans for me. So, I broke up with him after two and a half years of roller-coaster ride together. We hit the new highs and the new lows. But somethings happened and I realized that I didn’t want to continue being this way. It was very difficult last few months. Now I feel very different. The strangest thing is I am so apathetic. I am still trying to register what I learnt from this. However, it is quite difficult. I will need to contemplate what I really feel about it. But two years is a long time and we have always been such good friends. It’s gonna be difficult to adjust to things without each other. Even though I have had a lot of practice of being on my own when it comes to a lot of things for the past couple of months. I feel like it is difficult to lose the feeling of love for someone that you have loved for so long. Do you really lose it? Or does it just gets transformed into something bitter or nonchalant? I don’t really know because right now I can’t feel anything. I feel love for this guy I met quite recently but it’s on and off. I am so scared and skeptical with the idea of devoting myself fully to another human being and being vulnerable. I realize that something inside me is broken. Trust, belief, hope, I can’t really point out what it is. But when I look at my road ahead, there is no one walking with me anymore. I am all alone.

This, however, has made me very determined to take care of myself. I have been more focused on what I want from my life now. I am quite sure that the next one year of my life will not be a waste. I cannot afford to lose more time on dilly dallying about emotional shits. I want to work on my stuffs. I got into a new online course at my university. I am applying for a work visa and if it works out, I will need to find a job that I love and kill myself with it. So, you might ask me why I chose this. The easiest thing to do would be to just stay in the relationship and get used to the chaos, out of convenience. But all my life, the quest has been to avoid exactly this chaos, this mediocre mundane existential cycle, this monotonous boredom, this hatred and dislike in eyes of each other. I just don’t want to get used to that.

So, the process of living right now has been to keep my mind off the bad thoughts as much as possible. I’ve become much calmer than ever before and I know where I am heading. This feels really good. I have a good feeling about myself.

Anyways, on another note, it’s my favourite poet Charles Bukowski’s birthday today. So, here’s his poem called ‘the crunch’ narrated by the man himself. Happy Birthday badass wordsmith! 🙂

Nordlys

Standard

Hello there, 

Long time no see! 😉 I have been MIA for a while. But here I am. Today I present to you my favorite green lady from Norway. The magical Northern lights. She paid me a visit last night at the cabin in Lyfjord and gave an awesome dance show. It was a bit cold to stand there, witness her performance and take pictures.  But it was worth it.  😍 

So, here are some pictures of aurora borealis I managed to take with my cell phone camera. This is one of the primary reasons why you should visit Northern Norway. 

With love from Norway! 

Em

North Norwegian Escape 

Standard

Last week we were lucky to have beautiful sunny days. It gave me lots of energy to wake up early and go out for a lunch at my new hangout ‘Dragøy’ in Kysten Hus. The place has amazing view and you also have a chance to meet and talk to some interesting people.  

I also went for a walk around the city and took some pictures.  Just have a look! 


If you have not visited this amazing Norwegian city also known as the Paris of the North, then you should.  Plan your trip, trust me you won’t be disappointed. 😊