Category Archives: Musings

I’m still Alive

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Last night I went to watch a two hour concert movie called ‘Let’s play Two’ at Verdensteatre, the oldest cinema theater in Norway. The movie was about Pearl Jam’s performance at Wrigley’s Stadium in Chicago. It was a really entertaining and exciting experience. I have always been a great fan of PJ and have an immense respect for the frontman Eddie Vedder. He is one of the artists that has aged gracefully.

The concert featured songs from their first album Ten to their latest one called Lightning Bolt. It was an intense journey seeing the life of Chicago boy Vedder supporting the local baseball team ‘Chicago Cubs’.

Tears just welled up my eyes when they performed Alive. I went through a lot of shit right now. No matter how much I deny, it’s been difficult. But I have people that care for me and that is a consolation. I also learnt a big lesson in life recently and that is to never let anyone bring me down. Of course, I have made a lot of mistakes in life and I need to work so much on myself but I will never let anyone convince me how shitty I am because I am not. I am not perfect, I have a lot of flaws and I am just a Human. And this life I have is about learning and relearning.

Here is a food for thought :

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Smak reflection

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I went to the ‘Smak’ food festival in Tromsø with some friends yesterday. I was quite excited because it’s food and food is my one true ultimate love. All my friends were Norwegian except for one girl who is half Asian and half Norwegian. Here is what I experienced 😦 😀

1) The first thing they wanted me to taste was this tiny sample of lapskaus. Seriously, Lapskaus! It’s a Norwegian dish, basically meat and potatoes stew thingie. It’s my least favorite Norwegian dish. Well, it’s a stew and more like a leftover food and it’s too bland for my taste.

2) This girl showed me bags of potatoes and said that they were the best potatoes in Norway. At first, I thought she was being sarcastic but she meant every word she said. She started telling me how much she enjoyed eating those potatoes because she hadn’t eaten potatoes for a while. I tried so hard to contain my laughter. I wasn’t judging her love for potatoes but man! Like seriously, I am in a freaking food festival and these people were telling how good this particular brand of potatoes was. 😂

3) After walking across some stalls that sold tacos, lefse (Flatbread made of potatoes, flour, milk and cream) and dry fish, we came to city center and then suddenly this guy I was with stops and exclaims: “Em, can you smell it? It smells sooo good. It’s pølse (hot dogs)”. I just lost it at that. I just laughed and laughed because this was way too much. I know that Norwegians love their pølse but I had never imagined someone being so ecstatic over the smell of hot dogs. 😂

4) We ended up tasting a piece of dry fish that was like a mind boggler because everyone thought it was chips so, it tasted really strange in our mouths.

5) I didn’t even got to buy a good cup of coffee so, I had to go to regular café to buy a cup before I walked to work. 😦

It was of course very much fun to hangout with friends. They are really nice, friendly and fun loving people but I must say that I was really disappointed with this whole food festival thingie. Well, it’s called food Festival for a reason, no? Imagine going to a food festival in Nepal and ending up eating dalbhat (staple everyday dish in Nepal comprising of rice, lentil soup and veggies).

I left for work after a while but you know what, I got a snap on snapchat after 15 mins and guess what they were eating.

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Potatoes on stick! 😂

P.S. I don’t really have any pictures from the food festival but here are some pictures of the Northern lights we got to witness the day before yesterday. ❤

Shine on…

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Today has been really Pink Floydy. I went to uni and hung out at my favorite café called Bodega. They were playing cool music: Pink Floyd, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix. I was so hooked that I decided to sit there and study. Oh! What a nice time I had. But after I went out from there, all I could listen to was Pink Floyd’s ‘Shine on you crazy diamond’.

I have a really beautiful memory with that song. Two years ago, the new year’s eve 2015, he had broken up with me again but I was stuck at his parents’ place because we were spending our holidays there. On new year’s eve, we were visiting this cool artist friend of his ‘V’ and we met some other people there. They were playing some amazing songs. At one point, his best friend ‘M’ started playing this song and V, M and I started singing the song on top of our lungs. That was a bro moment for me and despite the sadness of being dumped I understood that friendships never changed. That moment helped me go through the difficult phase and be happy.

Today I have broken up with him, but when I heard this song, all the memories came back again. I realized that this is the phase of my life, I will never try to forget. These are the memories that will always give me strength. I still believe some friendships never die no matter what happens.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught in the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision, rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!
Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught in the crossfire of childhood and stardom, blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision, rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

Something in the way

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So, I got these little notes with reasons why I am a lovable person from someone.

I have always been a hopeless romantic and did stuffs like this to people I loved. But getting these notes was really surprising and strange for mainly two reasons :

No. 1: I didn’t know someone was observing me that way.

No.2: I didn’t know those things made me lovable. Lately I have been feeling not so nice about being loved or being myself.

So, these notes did make me happy.

Life is really strange.

Meanwhile I can’t speak Spanish but I am trying to learn to sing ‘falta De Respeto’ by Carla Morisson. It’s such a soothing song. ❤ My playlist, however, is jumping from Carla Morisson to Sólstafir to Massive Attack to Shpongle to SikTh. Lol! Music keeps me going.

Here’s Carla’s beautiful song for your listening pleasure!

Is it too late to be back?

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The last time I blogged, I promised that I will write more often and come up with some new projects. Life apparently had some other plans for me. So, I broke up with him after two and a half years of roller-coaster ride together. We hit the new highs and the new lows. But somethings happened and I realized that I didn’t want to continue being this way. It was very difficult last few months. Now I feel very different. The strangest thing is I am so apathetic. I am still trying to register what I learnt from this. However, it is quite difficult. I will need to contemplate what I really feel about it. But two years is a long time and we have always been such good friends. It’s gonna be difficult to adjust to things without each other. Even though I have had a lot of practice of being on my own when it comes to a lot of things for the past couple of months. I feel like it is difficult to lose the feeling of love for someone that you have loved for so long. Do you really lose it? Or does it just gets transformed into something bitter or nonchalant? I don’t really know because right now I can’t feel anything. I feel love for this guy I met quite recently but it’s on and off. I am so scared and skeptical with the idea of devoting myself fully to another human being and being vulnerable. I realize that something inside me is broken. Trust, belief, hope, I can’t really point out what it is. But when I look at my road ahead, there is no one walking with me anymore. I am all alone.

This, however, has made me very determined to take care of myself. I have been more focused on what I want from my life now. I am quite sure that the next one year of my life will not be a waste. I cannot afford to lose more time on dilly dallying about emotional shits. I want to work on my stuffs. I got into a new online course at my university. I am applying for a work visa and if it works out, I will need to find a job that I love and kill myself with it. So, you might ask me why I chose this. The easiest thing to do would be to just stay in the relationship and get used to the chaos, out of convenience. But all my life, the quest has been to avoid exactly this chaos, this mediocre mundane existential cycle, this monotonous boredom, this hatred and dislike in eyes of each other. I just don’t want to get used to that.

So, the process of living right now has been to keep my mind off the bad thoughts as much as possible. I’ve become much calmer than ever before and I know where I am heading. This feels really good. I have a good feeling about myself.

Anyways, on another note, it’s my favourite poet Charles Bukowski’s birthday today. So, here’s his poem called ‘the crunch’ narrated by the man himself. Happy Birthday badass wordsmith! 🙂

Project Happiness 365: Day 365

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It’s The Day today. I complete my 365 days project happiness.  I managed. I wasn’t sure in the beginning but with each passing day and post, I felt more determined. I did it. I failed to post somedays or failed to post a happy post a couple of times but still I posted a post that I felt was honest and real. I couldn’t believe that a lazy procrastinating Queen like me can be determined and post every single day! I feel really good. I also feel very privileged to have met amazing human beings like you guys, my readers, my fellow bloggers, who keep visiting my blog and showing me so much love and affection. My gratitude to you all! 

Today in this final post of Project Happiness 365, I want to share with you my reflections. 

  • Let it go. 

It’s not just Elsa singing on the top of her lungs but LITERALLY! Let it go. All the guilt, pain, heartache, regret, sadness and anxiety, it’s not worth it.  Just let it go. You don’t know how to do it.  Well just think about yourself as the most beautiful creation of nature.  Your mind, your being, your spirit, they are all precious, you know so, all these negative aspects of your life it’s just draining your energy and nothing else. The sooner you realise that all the anxiety, self loathing, guilt and, all other negative things that your torturing yourself with, is not worth your time and energy, the better it is. 

  • Love yourself.  

You might think it’s a stale, mainstream, mediocre formula but it is not. It took me so many wrong decisions and five psychedelic trips to understand that actually there is nothing beyond loving yourself.  Well be shocked and offended with my revelation as much as you like,  it doesn’t matter because the secret to happiness is loving yourself. In the end, it’s all You, always been you and always will be you. I don’t mean this in a self-loathing or obnoxious way but more in terms of self love, care and satisfaction. 
So, take care of yourself and love yourself as much as you can.  By doing so, you are doing this world a favour.  Because it’s not egoistic or narcissistic to love yourself. It only becomes problematic when you start thinking that you are above everyone else because you are not. No matter how good looking you are or no matter how much money you have or how powerful you are,  everything is temporary and the only certain thing is Death. And when you die, non of the things you have acquired in this life matters other than experiences and love.

  • Happiness is inside you. 

This is probably the most cliché thing I am gonna include in my list but I don’t care because this is an important lesson.  If you want to be happy, Be. Noone is stopping you. If you think other person has the power to make you unhappy then you are wrong because let me break your bubble,  it’s you who makes yourself unhappy. 

  • Nothing lasts forever…but nothing is lost. 

It is more than just a mash up title of two songs by my favourite band Sphongle. It’s something that has helped me overcome a lot of my insecurities. The most important lesson I learnt in these 365 days is that nothing lasts forever because the world is changing each passing moment.  Things change, events change, people change and you change as well. You just need to understand and accept that change is inevitable.  But let me tell you that nothing is lost. It is always gonna be there in you. Always as long as you want it to. 😊 

So, what’s next? 
Struggling writer asked me this question : ‘What after 365 days?’ Well, I guess being happy and grateful is an evergoing process. My purpose is to remember these lessons I have learnt and keep on living in the here and now. 
I will keep posting my things that I feel like sharing and are important to me. I would really much like to focus on photography and drawing.  So, this will be a platform to share my works. 

I never saw life with a rose colored glasses before. But now I feel much more positive and determined. It actually is all about how you want to see your life. So, finding a reason for happiness and gratitude each day  isn’t that difficult.  Happiness is everywhere, it’s inside you just had to open your eyes and see. As this song says…happiness is easy! 🙂

Project Happiness 365: Day 363

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Some friendships are so beautiful and easily preserved. You don’t need to please each other. You don’t get offended if you don’t call each other all the time. You respect each other and cherish the bond you have. That’s the kind of friendship I have with my bestfriend.  I hadn’t talked to her for a long time but last night when we skyped we just realised how precious our relationship is. 

I don’t have many close friends, I can count them in one hand. I have had very bad experiences with friendships all my life. But she is different. She is nice, kind, trustworthy and wise. She understands me like noone else. 

I dedicate this post to her even though she will not actually read my blog, she doesn’t know about it. I feel very grateful and privileged to have known her in my life. 
And here’s a picture of famous Kal Bhairav in Basantapur Durbar Square, Kathmandu, she took for me because I miss visiting those places with her. It is our favourite hangout. Oh! How I miss her. 

Project Happiness 365: Day 361

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I realized today that I have stopped stressing out over things. I don’t claim that I am easy going and chill but something changed. I don’t overthink about little stuffs that used to bother me a lot before for example,  replaying past mistakes and feeling guilty. I am just a human and I have done things that I am not proud of, I just accept them as a part of life lessons. If it wasn’t for those mistakes, I would never be this person here now. 

Loving and accepting yourself sounds overrated but it is the most important favour you can  do to yourself and others. It took me so many years to realise and understand this simple fact. But at least I realized,  that is important! 

Meanwhile, it’s quite dark and cold here in Tromsø and I long for a sunny day like this. 

Project Happiness 365: Day 351

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We came back home today. It has been a very rejuvenating time at the cabin despite the power outage.

It was rainy and windy on our way back. Bus stop looked quite beautiful. 

But today’s cherry on top (or actually blueberries on top) is this piece of happiness.  My new favourite!