“Do you live to exist or exist to live…?” Amrita, Banana Yoshimoto.
After two whole years of snail/sloth reading, I finished the book just now. I just closed the book. My room is quiet, just the sound of me breathing. I feel exhilarated. It was such a simple yet profound book. It’s a special book because I have doodled so much in it. It is also an archives of pictures, drawings and special tidbits I have collected through the two years.
Yoshimoto is one of my favorite writers. Her writings are often melancholic, mysterious and simple. There isn’t much going on in the plot, it’s just the experience of a mundane daily life but still there is so much going on underneath subtly. Or the other way around. I am still in daze.
4am: Sleep doesn’t come. Oh insomnia, my dear friend! What would my life be like without you?
Bus rides during polar nights have their own special charm. Picture from my ride back home from work. 😊
“The human realm suffuses all of the others, then: it is the linchpin of the wheel, the domain of Narcissus, in search of himself and captured by his own reflection.”
– Thoughts without a thinker
Two of my latest obsessions are ‘Life, the universe and everything’ by Douglas Adams and ‘Weird Fishes/Arpeggios’ by Radiohead. The former is one of the books from his Hitchhiker’s Guide to Galaxy series and the latter is a song from Radiohead’s ‘In Rainbow’s’ album.
Every sentence in the book is highlightable. Adams is a fabulous writer. So witty, so deep and so out of this world. Like this one I just came across, which prompted me to write this post :
“Just as a slow series of clicks when speeded up will lose the definition of each individual click and gradually take on the quality of a sustained and rising tone, so a series of individual impressions here took on the quality of a sustained emotion – and yet not an emotion. If it was an emotion, it was a totally emotionless one. It was hatred, implacable hatred. It was cold, not like ice cold, but like a wall is cold. It was impersonal, not like a randomly flung fist in a crowd is impersonal, but like a computer-issued parking summons is impersonal. And it was deadly, again, not like a bullet or a knife is deadly, but like a brick wall across an expressway is deadly.
And just as a rising tone will change in character and take on harmonics as it rises, so again, this emotionless emotion seemed to rise to an unbearable if unheard scream and suddenly seemed to be a scream of guilt and failure.
And suddenly it stopped.”
The second obsession the weird fishes/arpeggios is equally beautifully written and composed. The lyrics, Thom Yorke’s haunting voice and the repetitive drum/guitar rhythm pattern makes this song truly intriguing.
“I’d be crazy not to follow.
Follow where you lead
They turn me
Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
If they get the chance
And this is my chance”.
The last time I blogged, I promised that I will write more often and come up with some new projects. Life apparently had some other plans for me. So, I broke up with him after two and a half years of roller-coaster ride together. We hit the new highs and the new lows. But somethings happened and I realized that I didn’t want to continue being this way. It was very difficult last few months. Now I feel very different. The strangest thing is I am so apathetic. I am still trying to register what I learnt from this. However, it is quite difficult. I will need to contemplate what I really feel about it. But two years is a long time and we have always been such good friends. It’s gonna be difficult to adjust to things without each other. Even though I have had a lot of practice of being on my own when it comes to a lot of things for the past couple of months. I feel like it is difficult to lose the feeling of love for someone that you have loved for so long. Do you really lose it? Or does it just gets transformed into something bitter or nonchalant? I don’t really know because right now I can’t feel anything. I feel love for this guy I met quite recently but it’s on and off. I am so scared and skeptical with the idea of devoting myself fully to another human being and being vulnerable. I realize that something inside me is broken. Trust, belief, hope, I can’t really point out what it is. But when I look at my road ahead, there is no one walking with me anymore. I am all alone.
This, however, has made me very determined to take care of myself. I have been more focused on what I want from my life now. I am quite sure that the next one year of my life will not be a waste. I cannot afford to lose more time on dilly dallying about emotional shits. I want to work on my stuffs. I got into a new online course at my university. I am applying for a work visa and if it works out, I will need to find a job that I love and kill myself with it. So, you might ask me why I chose this. The easiest thing to do would be to just stay in the relationship and get used to the chaos, out of convenience. But all my life, the quest has been to avoid exactly this chaos, this mediocre mundane existential cycle, this monotonous boredom, this hatred and dislike in eyes of each other. I just don’t want to get used to that.
So, the process of living right now has been to keep my mind off the bad thoughts as much as possible. I’ve become much calmer than ever before and I know where I am heading. This feels really good. I have a good feeling about myself.
Anyways, on another note, it’s my favourite poet Charles Bukowski’s birthday today. So, here’s his poem called ‘the crunch’ narrated by the man himself. Happy Birthday badass wordsmith! 🙂
He got me this book ‘The book thief’ by Markus Zusak from a library free book giveaway!
You won’t believe how happy I got! I had to leave behind this book half read when I moved to Tromsø two years ago. So, I was literally screaming with joy when I saw this book in the bag.
I can’t wait to start reading it where I left.
I am reading Factotum by Charles Bukowski. He’s my ultimate favourite poet. My life goal is to grow old badass like him.
Look at this. Isn’t this so raw and real?
For today! Very tired and sad!
I am reading Haruki Murakami’s “What I talk about when I talk about running”. I was not intending to read this book because I have been reading too much Murakami. Everytime I go to bookstore, I end up buying his book anyways. It’s like an addiction. 😊
And the thing I was scared of, it eventually happened! I am hooked! I fell in love with his writing all over again. But the good thing is that it gives me an inspiration to write and work. So, all in all it’s not that bad!
We are at the cabin. I am taking a break from work and everything. Specially my thesis. I had a very serious interview with a musician. I finally know where my thesis is headed. And I am happy but I need some time to freshen up and connect to myself. Keeping my crazy monkey mind calm is the goal for now.
I am determined to start reading again. No more unfinished books! Started reading The trial by Franz Kafka. It’s going good. Feels like I am getting my reading spark back. 😊
“O compassion on these suffering conscious beings
Who wander in the life cycle, darkened with delusions,
Not knowing their own minds as the infinite Truth Body –
May all of them attain the Body of Truth!”
Reading “The Tibetan book of the dead”. Slow day at work!!