Life is so interesting. Yesterday I felt like I would never manage to get out of that depth of despair. I still tried to keep my calm. I slept through it, to be honest. As a kid,when I got into a scrape or felt an intense sadness, I would just go to sleep. I would sleep and hoped I would feel better when I woke up. I found it difficult as I grew older. But yesterday, I managed. After I made the post last night, I took a hot shower, changed into something comfy, read a book and slept. I woke up to much fresher me. Power of a goodnight’s sleep!
Today I had strange encounters. I had a spontaneous lunch with my least favourite and almost favourite teachers at uni. One after another! But it was very interesting how with both of them, I came into the same topic: my mother. We bonded over loss of mother. It was quite humanly conversation. I felt nice especially because I managed to have a talk with the least fav teacher. My favourite teacher talked about intuition, human relationship, family ties, psychedelics, music, motherly love, ghosts, spirit world, death, after life and so on. I always manage to learn so much and express myself quite good with people like him.
I received an apology from my ex today. It was strange because he has been bothering me with insensible texts every now and then. But never an apology. He wrote a long letter of regrets in the past but never a sorry letter. So, I was pretty baffled. Relationships are fragile and delicate. We both had our parts in not managing to make it work. That apology, however, felt very sincere. So, I wrote back what I had been longing to write. It was an open heart to heart text after almost two years. Especially after my psychedelic experience, I realized that the relationship I had with him was actually a strong admiration for his art and his eccentric personality and lifestyle but never love. Also he never respected me as much as I respected him. There was never a mutual trust, never meaningful conversation and never a comfortable warm closeness. We were just too naive and proud to understand, I guess. I was too independent, free willed and happy-go-lucky for him. He was too gloomy, close minded and hypocrite for me. It never occurred to me that people are scary, they take advantage of your innocence and trust. When I came to Tromso, I realized a lot of thing. Worst of all, I did not miss him. Not for a single moment. When he texted me, ‘I miss you so much’. I could not reply, ‘I miss you too’. It was just awkward ‘hmm’. We had a fight over that too. 😦 I hated his very guts. But now I don’t hate him. I think of him as a lesson that I had to go through. We had a great chemistry when we worked together in small art/video projects but we were never great companions. I think of him as an experience that taught me so many things about human relationship. A small chapter in the book of my life! 🙂
My bestie left his plant for me. It was in the reading room but I brought it home. I figured out that since I am almost not there anymore, there will be no one to take care and water it. Look how pretty it looks on my table!