You know that feeling of satisfaction when you are done with your work. I feel that today. I also feel very calm lately. Not that I want to jinx it but I don’t get angry about little things anymore. I remember, some time ago I realized that all my life I have expressed my every emotions with anger. If I was stressed out, I would be angry. If I was jealous, I would be angry. If I was disappointed, I would be angry. And even when I was sad, I would be angry. I didn’t know any other way to express myself.
Also, I have projected my anger on everything and everyone. I was angry with my father all my life for not communicating with me and building up a wall between us. I was angry at my mother for dying too early and leaving me alone to sort out things on my own. I was angry at my family (except for my brother) for never ever supporting my choices and decisions. I was angry at my friends for never standing up for me and betraying my trust. That was exactly why I was angry with my ex-boyfriends. They were disappointments and made me realize how wrong the choices in my lives are. I was angry with my boyfriend for little things that don’t even matter anymore. The worst of all, I was angry at myself for not living upto my own expectations and being such a loser.
But surprisingly, not anymore. I feel at peace with myself, with the people around me and the world. It should be the immense feeling of acceptance I have managed to get for myself and my life. It might also be the beautiful spiritual experience I had. And most of all, it is also this heart full of love and care for ‘my special traveling companion.’
Nevertheless, it’s a good feeling.
Day 51: For the moments of realization
These moments of realizations, I mentioned above, came when I was working on my reviews, when I was drinking my coffee at Kystens Hus and when I saw the V sign on the mountain today.
So, today is for those moments…