I am in a strange mode right now. My sleep cycle is fucked again. After a whole day of no sleep, I slept for 16 hours straight. I just hope I will be able to sleep tonight. Everything around me is telling me that I need to get my shits together and start working hard. I finally have been able to get my reading back on track. I am still trying to get my writing process started. It’s so difficult to pull the red thread that binds parts of my thesis together. Right now, my writing is in complete havoc! 😦
I met my German friend yesterday again. It was an accidental meeting but it was beautiful. It was a short conversation but we managed to talk about social media and its facade, happiness of getting a beautiful mail in your post box and volunteering stuffs. He told me about his aversion towards Facebook and his love of writing letters. 🙂 He seems to be a very hardworking guy. He said he spends all day at university getting his writings done. I wish I could get some motivation to work like that. But the sad part is I can’t seem to shake off this feeling of death every time I meet him. There is something about him that makes me feel like he has some kind of fatal disease. He seems so frail and weak despite having his arms covered in tattoos and his sunny outlook towards life. Even though death is an inevitable truth, it is not a good feeling to have in our head every time you meet that person. Still however, we manage to make each other happy every time we see each other.
Day 36: …Where it all began
A couple of months ago, I had a very profound spiritual experience. I don’t think I am ready to write in detail about it and also I feel it was a very personal journey. I cannot describe what I went through in words anyways. I tried and I wrote a poem about it but every single writings I have attempted to write after that has turned out to be futile.
Today I had a moment of exasperation that made me rethink about everything that is going on around me. Despite all the chaos around me, it was very interesting to see myself so calm and at peace after a long time. Of course there was a moment when I was tearing up but I managed to gather myself together. But somehow I was reminded of that experience again. So, I started going through the pictures from the time I had that experience.
This picture is very special. Bf and I were walking around his family cabin, when we came across this area. There was an almost abandoned looking bus. In the middle of nowhere, someone had put up this beautiful fence with lights on top. I was mesmerized when I saw this place for the first time. I even had a couple of dreams about this place. This place marks the biggest transformation I had ever gone through in my life. This is where my spiritual journey started. This is where I came into terms with my own demons. This is where I gladly accepted that I am just a tiny part of this big cosmos but still I am a part that matters. I also accepted that there is something higher up, an energy or God or an entity that binds us all together. This is where it all began, where sun rays hit our faces and life suddenly became so beautiful.
I am very thankful for having been reminded of this experience today. I needed it.
“There is a light burning inside you. You are the light. The quest now is to find those with lights burning inside them and together spread the light around.”
I know it must be so frustrating for you to read when I write cryptic texts like this and you can only guess what I really mean. But please bear with me! Someday hopefully I will have the words enough to express what I went through that day and days after that…