For the first time in many years, I felt like ending my life for good. I got those scary thought sometimes before but it wasn’t as strong as last night. When can killing yourself be as better as last night? We were up on top of the hills with his friends to watch the fireworks and I got the feeling so freaking strongly to just jump off the cliff. I felt like that could be so liberating. The world around me was celebrating the first day of the new year. I was trying to pull myself together, trying so hard to fight that really negative feeling that was encouraging me to end it once and for all.
But then something stopped me. I don’t know what it was. Maybe I am just a coward. Maybe I don’t have a willpower strong enough to actually jump off the cliff. I don’t know if it was good or bad.
Day 24: New beginning
I managed to get over that initial feeling of suicide, things finally fell into place. We came back to the cave, played some cards against humanity, drank and smoked. Cave had a special feel with candles and fire. We all agreed that life is pretty useless and cheers to that!
I know that this is not the end. I might be broken now but I know that I always manage to accept what life has to offer no matter how unfair and shitty it is. And I know that I am a strong person, I am not a quitter and definitely not a coward. I am grateful for the lessons I learnt. I will not let this turn make me spiteful or hateful. I learn from my mistakes. And I will not stop loving.
Yesterday me and a friend talked about this. He is one of the coolest guy I have met in a while. Why are we sad anyways? Why should I be hopeless? I have music. I have books. I have art. I have a strong personality. I have some beautiful souls that have been there for me always in my ups and downs. My bestfriend, my brother, my mentor and a friend far away that I have never met but always manages to bring a smile on my face with the beautiful words and thoughts.
That moment yesterday was a kind of reminder. My life is beautiful. I am a very beautiful soul and I know there are a lot of humans out there who will cherish my smile and love me for who I am. I am here for a reason.
So, cheers to whatever happened, cheers to the experiences last year, cheers to the new year, cheers to this beautiful person posting this thought, cheers for all the happy posts I am going to make, cheers to all you wonderful people out there reading my blog and sending me positive vibes through comments, likes and messages. Cheers to all the places I am going to visit, cheers to all the beautiful souls I am going to meet. Cheers to Hope and Life.
P.S. Those are pictures from last night. 🙂