Many days has passed since my last post. I know I am bad. I should be writing more often. It has been very difficult to get myself to sit in front of computer and start writing. I had million things on my mind that I wanted to share. I even tried writing a couple of posts before this but I couldn’t bring myself to post them because somehow it felt wrong, untrue. I don’t know what I was dealing with but the words that I typed wasn’t in harmony with what I was actually going through. So, there they sit, all those posts, on my archive as drafts labelled ‘private’. That’s what they should remain: ‘Private’.
I was really keen on sharing experiences of my Love Life. But somehow I felt, there’s nothing that I actually wanted to share. It’s not mediocre but it’s nothing out of ordinary either. Except for this one time when we went through a major crisis/breakdown. It was my fault of course, as always. But I learnt my lesson. And I want to write how I felt after that.
It seems like we are back together but in fact I don’t know what is being back together. Or if we are gonna be together in the long run. I really don’t wanna think about the certainty of this relationship. After all the things I have been through, one thing I learnt for sure is nothing is certain (hahaha! did that sentence just become paradoxical?) But I realized that my mind has this funny mechanism. It accommodates to things/changes so quickly. I have noticed this since I was a kid. Whenever I wanted something badly and my father said that I can’t have it, it would be the end of story. I wouldn’t throw tantrums or cry or sulk even. I would just be like, ‘Oh well, maybe it’s not meant for me. Maybe something else is in store for me.’ And the next day, I would forget how desperately I wanted that thing. I kinda had hope that would keep me going without being disheartened. But now with all the experiences I had, I think my heart has learnt the lesson not to desire something too much, not to cling into things and not take things/people seriously. You never know what is in their upper storey. And you can’t force or beg people to be with you and especially not to love you. That’s something you should never ever do.
I learnt that lesson a very hard way. But honestly I’m glad I went through that experience. I know that was bad but something has drastically changed inside me after that day. There was this one night when I felt desperately lonely and anxious. Suddenly, I felt that there was not a single soul in this world who cares for me and I am gonna end up alone, miserable in some dark room in some unknown corner of an apartment somewhere. Nobody will care if I am alive or dead. That was a very scary thought. I felt all my energy draining away. I always thought that the worst thing for a human is loneliness. The idea of being lonely just ate me up but out of nowhere, I suddenly started caressing my chest, soothing and reminding myself that if there’s no one else in this world who loves me, then I am there for myself. I actually said ‘I love you’ to myself. Those words kinda healed me. I suddenly felt so much at peace. That night I slept peacefully.
The days after that have been pretty good. I have started working, reading and actually planning my future. Nothing actually bothers me anymore and even if it does, I just ask myself: ‘Does it really matter to you? Will these things matter, say five years from now?’ I know it sounds cliche, straight out of some self help book but trust me, it works for me every time. I know what I want from my life now. It’s nothing fancy. No corporate dream of being on top of that pyramid or no fantastic scenario of marriage proposal out of a romance novel. However, that doesn’t mean I have stopped dreaming. I have not stopped being curious. I still shriek like a kid and cry out in awe every time I see northern lights in the sky out of my window. Tromso still feels like home and never fails to amaze me. It’s just that I don’t have any expectations from life anymore. All I want is to live and experience. No matter what those experiences are, I just want to be alive and feel alive. No more dillydallying and crying over the spilled milk. No more being completely absent from the present. No more living in the past or obsessing about future.
As this song says, I’m still alive! And I feel really good about that.