I was having this conversation with myself about why relationships are so difficult. No matter how much you are compatible with someone,no matter how much you think things are gonna be easy when you meet the right person, no matter how simple you try to make it, one wrong step and off you go slipping into relationshit.
Boyfriend and I were having this fast forward kinda process where we were rolling too fast. Now it’s time to slow down and I don’t know how to do it. Had quite a lot of outbursts. Now that he is travelling, I am all alone. I had a lot of time to think about this complication.
On my walk this evening, I remembered this talk I had with a guy I once dated. We were just good friends then and he asked me, ‘How do you picture your future? What do you dream of?’ I thought for a while and replied: ‘Umm, I will have a cute little house with a balcony and a nice view. I will have a room full of books, a collection of music records, a guitar, lots of plants, tiny trinkets all over my window sill, pictures of places I travelled on my wall, a computer, a nice pet dog and a happy Me,’ He was surprised and questioned me, ‘What? Don’t you want someone in your life? Won’t you ever have a life partner? Don’t you wanna have someone to share that joy?’ I said: ‘Nah, I think I will be happy being alone, all by myself.’ But somehow I forgot my own future plan.
So, after all these years of dating people and being in a wrong abusive relationships, I have forgotten how to be myself. And I realized that I don’t know who my true self is. I get these glimpses of that carefree ‘me’ sometimes but most of the times, I am someone I don’t recognize. Those experiences have left quite a lot of scars it seems.
I remember my first few months here in tromso. I was happy. I was away from all the obligations and pressure of my life back home. I was alone, free and independent for the first time in my life. I talked to people I wanted to talk to. I went out with people whose company I enjoyed. If I didn’t like someone, I would stop hanging out with them. I wouldn’t pretend to be nice and friendly. I was myself.
Now I’m in a relationship. I really love this person, I really like being with him but I find myself questioning if this is what I really want. Should I live my life loving someone else like crazy? What’s the point of all this because one expectation leads to another? What’s the point when you take one wrong step and everything comes crashing down? Nobody will forgive you for mistakes you make. One mistake and the person you love will come attacking you with all the blames? When will I ever be able to be that role model of a partner? How am I suppose to fulfill those criteria? How will I ever be able to live up to that expectations?
I have always idolized this wonderful relationship my father and mother had. They were each other’s best friend. It was like a love story straight out of romance novel. I grew up seeing them so much in love with each other. It’s not that they didn’t have a life of their own. My mother had friends and did things she enjoyed doing like singing, writing and sewing. The same with my father. He was an introvert, didn’t have much friend, loved gardening and his dogs of course. But they found friend in each other. They shared all the ups and downs of life including my mom’s near death experience when she gave birth to me. I grew up seeing my father admire my mother and my mother being proud at each and every achievement of my father. I was proud to be their daughter.
So, when my mother died, it was quite a blow for my father. I had lost my mother but he had lost everything. He lost his wife, his best friend, his confidante and his soulmate. He never remarried anyone. He remained a widower taking care of me. It’s amazing how love like that works.
Until now I always thought my father is an amazing lover. It’s been 20 years since my mother died and my father has dedicated his whole life to my mother. I always wondered how did he do that. How could he stay in love like that for so long? But today one of my shower thought made me realize, ‘Wow! my mother must have been pretty amazing woman. She must have given so much love to my father. Her companionship, dedication and her existence must have been so special, so precious. She must have been such an ideal partner and a true soulmate that my father never needed anyone else in his life anymore.’
I wish to become a woman like her. Woman of strength, perseverance and love. A woman who can love someone without any reservation and expectation. A woman whom someone can call a true soulmate. A woman whose companionship would be so strong and fulfilling that her partner needs noone else. A woman free from all the drama. A woman whose soul is free and independent.
But how? That’s the question that had been bugging me.
How can you selflessly love someone else?
The answer was in my solitude. I need to find this person that I loved sooo much that I was ready to spend my whole life with her in solitude.
That person is ME, myself.
I need to find myself first. And I need to love myself enough so that I don’t need to go around searching for love in someone else. I need to complete myself so that I don’t need to expect someone else’s existence to complete me. All the bullshit that romantic movie feeds in our brain is useless. If you don’t love yourself, you will never be able to love the other person completely.
I need to love myself so much that when I love someone else there will just be love. No expectation, no ego, no selfish motive, nothing. Just pure selfless love. Unless I do that, no matter who I am with, I will end up hurting that person. I will end up being disappointed and wounded. I will never be able to truly Love.
P.S Solitude is good. Solitary walks and contemplation are good. Being alone with yourself is truly fulfilling.
P.P.S. Especially if you have music like this to accompany you during those walks 😉