Cup of coffee for thought

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Darling, you are like an espresso!

Requires an acquired taste.

Difficult to get used to.

But once one learn to enjoy it,

it’s difficult to live without!

Finally I have learnt to enjoy it,

Easy. Sip by sip… Calmly!

Not as an addiction

Not in an urgency

Nor a routine!

More like a privilege.

Mmmmm

Knowing how to handle

The bitterness

Was better.

I guess.

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Fri-YAY!

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I bought a cute little bowl the other day at the Christmas market. It is hand-made by my artist friends. I always like to support artist by buying their arts whenever I can afford. My friends were happy that I visited their stall. It was supposed to be for soy sauce or wasabi servings but I just decided to put my tiny sea shells that I collected over years. I think it fits perfectly with my fish and the lotus flower. That’s how I spent my Friday. So much symbolism over here. 🙂

Meanwhile, my room and my head is filled with this song from Bojack Horseman.


♪♫♬I will always think of you
I see your face when each day’s through
and days go past (oh so fast )
but memories, they last
Summer Winter Year by Year
I’ll hear the song Inside my ear
Trying to restart (That’d be smart )
The thoughts of you haunt my heart
No I don’t want to be alone now
Just biding my time
I need somebody dearly
And darling you’d be sublime
Spring and Autumn (Up and down X2)
I keep trying to escape this town
And I just might I’ll take flight
Maybe tomorrow, not tonight ♪♫♬

 

 

iihjee: post

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‘The pie was never larger than what it is today; for every piece one takes away, another has to be given back. Pull a flag down in rage, another springs-up in a momentous flutter. Let go of a scar, gently let go, another tears into being, arising delicately; an eye for an eye, a tattoo for a tattoo. How naive could one be… wishing to retain a blank slate’- iihjee

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There is a guy I follow on instagram. He is a Nepali, who posts thought-provoking reflections and beautiful pictures. I know him but I haven’t really talked to him in real life. When I first saw him in 2013, I knew there was something very different about him. He used to frequent the same café I used to visit. He was noticeable as he always wore slippers, white kurta and a black ‘Bhaad-gaule topi’, a typical Newari cap especially woven in Bhaktapur, Nepal. This café was very popular among the travellers backpacking to Nepal. The seating arrangements were very casual, you could even sit on the stairs or floor if you wanted to. We sat next to each other a couple of times but never talked. I heard his conversations with his friends. From what I gathered, he was so young probably around 17 then, but he was so introspective and had a very altruistic view about life. I liked being a silent listener of those conversations listening to their talks about life, society, politics, art and being young.

Fast forward 2017, he is an activist now who walked across Nepal from the east to west on foot through the Himalayan belt in his slippers. Yes! he walked through Everest base camp in his slippers. About the walk, he wrote: ‘The walk was an individual calling, not an organized effort. There were no fixed plans or routes; no agenda. I kept improvising, leaving myself open to all experiences & possibilities. I could not have done this as one does an errand; the burden would have been too great for a bloke like me who thrives in frivolous spontaneity. Never has dosh or servility lit my soul. Honestly, the stories were primarily a consequence of laziness. Writing an original piece takes great effort, taking notes & translating is a relatively undemanding deed. Adding interpretation would also have brought me into the picture – this I wanted to avoid, I wanted you to experience the journey as a first-person participant (rather than a third-person); the baton of interpretation was passed to you.’

In 2016, he did a similar 37 days walk. Through this walk, he connected with Nepal’s average people, mainly minority groups and families of the minority Madhesi people of the Southern Nepal, who were killed in protests held in the Terai region of Nepal in 2015. The message behind his walk was simple: national unity and peace.

Why I am mentioning him is because we have developed this bond with each other throughout this time on instagram. He wrote comment on a video I made on instagram and we started talking about the organic cafe, and life in general sometimes here and there. He asks for my interpretation or feedback if he makes a video posts and I write to him asking question about life if I am in a dilemma. It’s like Socrates and Plato. Lol! But he is much younger than me yet he is very mature and an inspiring human being. I want to share one of his answers to the question about calm response or retaliation towards anger/hatred directed towards you.

to anon m, with love : The viscous cycle of pain displacement, of paying pain forward, is in my opinion, the root cause of all human suffering. To mend one’s aching heart is difficult, to translate that pain into action is not. We try to save others from what we perceive to be ill; we try to help them find the happiness that could not be ours. Here, I question, how can an action rooted in anguish do any good? Our suffering often leads to actions that lead to more suffering. Be mindful of this, always. Question yourself, at every turn – “Why am I doing this?” I do not ask you to abandon what you are doing, but to merely be aware of what motivates your innermost self.
What makes you angry? Why do you blame yourself? What makes you feel pain? Why do you seek to hurt? Are you angry, or, do you want to be angry? Are you in pain, or, does a part of you want to feel pain? Reflect. Be honest with your self. No one else can help you. String together the answers; understand causes, be aware of their effects. Untangle. String back to when you were in the womb… just that instinct to live on & nothing else, everything laid bare. Stay there for a while….
Be kind, rewind, come back, to this moment. You have all the answers you need, my friend. No one can help you. No one knows you better. Only you can help yourself, only you.

And the funniest thing is every time I am going through something, he makes a post that hits the right nerve. Like the one quoted in the beginning of this post that he posted today.

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I have been in a strange frame of mind since a couple of days. No, not because of the polar nights but because of the situation I am in right now. This feeling of being lost doesn’t ever get lost. I still feel overwhelmed by things and even though I am much calmer now, I have begun to wonder about being with someone mainly in love. What is being in love anyways? I feel like Hozier: ‘I fall in love just a little o’ little bit everyday with someone new’. But seriously, I am scared of commitment, about giving my life for someone else, the expectations and then there is existential crisis. How to deal with the situation when I am going through a situation when I am sad because I am sad not because of you? How do I tell them that the pain, the sadness, the frustrations are my own. It has nothing to do with them. I also realized that in the last relationship I had I gave so much love that I do not have that love to give to anyone. I know it sounds strange because of course, I love other people too but not love is different. I feel like the spiritual side of me that loved is empty, hollow. How can I ever manage to fill it with love? And how will I ever manage to give it to someone?

But I am beginning to feel that this period is very important for my existence. I lost love, but I think I am on my path to find myself!

‘I’ll hit the bottom…Hit the bottom and escape!’

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My weird fish came alive on the stone one more time. Needless to say, I was listening to Weird fishes/Arpeggi last night. While drawing on that stone, I realized that when I get old, the band that I am going to talk about to my grandchildren (if I have any! ) will be Radiohead. Thom Yorke is cool. What I admire about him is that he is straight forward and he has been very vocal about his depression. His songs are beautiful expression of his experiences when he is in that state of mind. He advocates the need to talk about depression and mental health openly. I found a pretty cool picture on the internet where he talks about why he doesn’t like when people dismiss Radiohead’s music as depressing.

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Ha Det Bra

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Wrote four assignments today. Been at uni for almost 10 hours now. I just typed Elf determination. 😂 I think I am tired, slept only 4 hours today. I should go home now. I have a long day tomorrow. 😛

Radiohead procrastination

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I discovered this gem of a song by Radiohead this morning. It’s called ‘Last flowers’ from their album ‘In Rainbows Disk 2’. The song is about lead singer’s long struggle with depression. The lyrics just resonates with me so much. On repeat right now when I am writing my assignments. I don’t know if it’s good but it’s soothing at least. Just wanted to take a little break, and share this song with you all.

‘Appliances have gone berserk
I cannot keep up
Treading on people’s toes
Snot-nosed little punk

And I can’t face the evening straight
And you can’t offer me escape
Houses move and houses speak
If you take me there you’ll get relief
Believe, believe, believe, believe

And if I’m gonna talk
I just wanna talk
Please don’t interrupt
Just sit back and listen

‘Cause I can’t face the evening straight
And you can’t offer me escape
Houses move and houses speak
If you take me there you’ll get relief
Believe, believe, believe, believe

It’s too much
Too bright
Too powerful

Too much
Too bright
Too powerful

Too much
Too bright
Too powerful

Too much
Too bright
Too powerful’

😦

What to do when life seems bleak and suffocating?

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  • Put on some music and dance. 
    Today I was really frustrated when I woke up because I woke up at 13:30. I had an alarm at 9:00 but since I went to bed at 4:30, I was delirious when the alarm rang. And in my delirium, I put a new alarm at 11:15 for Thursday. LOL! So, of course since it’s not Thursday today, the alarm didn’t ring and I woke up frustrated and annoyed. But I just decided to make some coffee and make the best use of whatever time I had to get to the bus to university. Oh! and then, I figured out that I had couple of spare mins after I was done getting ready. You know what I did? I put on ‘Coco-jumbo‘ (Yeah 90s coco jumbo! :D) and started to dance. 😛 It was really stupid but it was much better than beating myself up. I felt so much better. Instant mood refresh!
  • Go for a walk
    This is a sure shot way to combat whatever negative feeling you are experiencing. Going for a walk, breathing some fresh air, listening to some soothing, calm music and being close to nature helps a lot. I have created a playlist specifically called ‘Walk in the Woods’ just for this purpose. I know it takes a lot of energy to motivate yourself to get out of the room, get dressed and go out but it is totally worth it. Going near water bodies helps too. I love walking along the coast, touching the water, the pebbles, sea shells, listening to the sound of the water, and just being there.
  • Doodle, doodle, doodle
    I cannot emphasize on how much mindlessly drawing on paper or chalkboard has helped me. I just realized the other week that I start floating in another space when I draw where nothing affects me. It is just me and my drawing. Sometimes I surprise myself by what I draw. Mainly because I am a noob and I haven’t drawn much in life. But I feel like I am getting better. I love it.
  • Play Mikado
    Have you ever tried playing Mikado?  It’s basically a stick game which contains 41 varied colored sticks with different points and the aim is to collect as many sticks as possible from a jumbled stack without moving or affecting another stick. Trust me it is not EASY. It needs so much concentration and dexterity that you are forced to calm down and concentrate. I am absolutely in love with the game. It’s my favourite go to when I need to ‘Calm the fuck down’.
  • Calm the fuck down
    Ok this one is a bit funny. I created a new folder on my computer called ‘Calm the fuck down’ where I basically put all the files that I make when I am stressed. It contains word documents with my rants, pictures that I edit and destroy when I am angry and need to let out my anger, stupid MS-Paint files with senseless drawings, and funny videos. Having something like that handy on your computer that you can just open and vent is helpful.
  • Watch funny animal videos
    My favourite is ‘animalsdoingthings‘ on instagram. Animals are cute but they can be pretty stupid sometimes. That page has so many hilarious videos that just puts me into laughter fit. Laughing is good. 😀
  • Pretend that you are Neo from Matrix
    I first read about this trick on Happify. So, the trick is whenever negative or disturbing thoughts appears in your mind, imagine that you are Neo from Matrix and dodge them like he dodges the bullets. 😛 You won’t believe how effective this technique is. Just give it a try. Bring it on ‘self-loathing’, ‘anger’, ‘jealousy’, I am so ready to dodge you all! The point is to refuse to let these thoughts control your life. Just REFUSE!
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    Well these are my tricks. I guess everyone has their own way of handling their shit in life. Share yours if you have one. I will be more than happy. 😀

December, rants and dilemma

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Ever since I came to Norway, December is equal to Darkness, Deadlines and Depression. Thankfully, this year I am not as affected by polar nights as I used to be. I have a relatively healthy lifestyle, I wake up early enough, go to university, study, eat well, spend time with people who care for me and make sure I spend some time doing things I love like drawing or reading every day. And there is music. Music makes me feel alive and happy. Deadlines are there. I submitted my university application and you have no idea how much I bragged. Lol. It is quite sad that you are like a product that needs proper marketing to be able to get an admission at the university of your choice. I did not like writing the application. The whole process is so narcissistic and vain.

This weekend I helped someone put the Christmas decorations in his apartment. I had never done that before except for putting up the Christmas star. It was a really delightful experience. Also it was a good break after a whole week of rigorous study. This guy and his friends have been very nice to me. They are always inviting me to do fun stuffs (NB: not getting drunk fun😂 but gaming, karaoke or doing creative things fun!).

The saddest thing about this whole thing is that I feel like I cannot reciprocate the love I am receiving. This guy shows so much love and care towards me. Like in an unconditional way. For instance, I have been quite distressed with what happened these past months and when I am visibly disturbed and act out on it, he never gets angry, annoyed or indifferent towards me. Like ever. He plans things to do together to keep my mind off the anxiety. For instance, couple months ago, I was really depressed and was acting really stupid and angry, he calmly suggested we should make paper planes, and throw them off the Tromsø bridge. So, that’s what we did. Just sat down and made shit loads of paper planes, went to the bridge and threw them away. It was simple and stupid because the wind was blowing in the opposite direction and the planes would just go down to the water and drown instead of flying but it helped. We laughed at our stupidity and felt much better after that.

I am not deluded or anything because he is caring towards his friends, and people in general love his way of being. So much so that there have been instances where he introduced me to some people and they openly said that he is a very nice human being and they were so happy to be his friends. So, it’s not like he is pretending to be loving towards me or being nice to me for some ulterior motive. But I am so unstable. I feel like it’s unfair towards him when I express my doubts about relationships, and that I am so afraid to reciprocate the love. I am too broken to be able to fully receive and give love. Never in my life had I thought that there will be a point in my life where I will shy away from love.

Uff! I guess I just don’t want to hurt anyone. But the good thing is I have never been this honest to myself and others ever. And despite the occasional outbursts and episodes, I have never felt this calm in my entire life.

 

Erased and Empty

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Look what I did today!

Yes. I did the honor of wiping the slate clean, erasing my doodle and making space for something new.

Someone suggested that since nobody was cleaning the board, maybe I should go the Tibetan Mandala monk’s way and erase my drawing myself. I first saw that in the movie Samsara. Here is an interesting article on why the Buddhist monks destroy the Mandala.

How do I feel? Deleting something that I created myself wasn’t easy but I feel Happy, light and free. I like to think that my doodle managed to make people feel different kinds of emotions. Maybe someone got happy, others frustrated, angry or indifferent. But anyways, now, my head is full of creative ideas on what to draw next. I am very excited.

On top of that, I got an early Christmas/late birthday gift from the boy. It was a box of lightsabers aka colorful chalks. So, instead of slashing my enemies, I am going to vent out my angst, frustration, happiness or whatever emotion on the blackboard. I like this renewed form of humanness between me and him. I am truly happy.

Found this really handy guide to making things go away in my visual anthropology book. They make it seem so easy. Trust me, it’s not.

I had a nice session with my counselor. She was very proud of how I have been doing. Falling was interesting. It hurt big time but then I rose again. Learnt an invaluable lesson about balance. Being a libra, I think balance is something I really value in life.